I couldn't stand it. He couldn't be civil even to say good-bye. If I didn't know better, I'd say that Malcom Reynolds had no heart to speak of. Or maybe I just think he does. Shaking, I stop aways from where we were talking, after I know he can no longer see me, and do as I was taught.
Deep breaths, and shut my eyes. Feel the pain and anger seeping down through me, down through the ship and off into space. She can take it, vast as she is. Finally, I am serene enough to open my eyes. I need to talk to Kaylee and the rest of the crew, and I just can not do it angry. After all, they don't deserve my anger, and it isn't in me to serve it to them. It just isn't done.
Holding the rail, I walk downstairs, looking first in the main deck for Kaylee. I'm lucky, still alone for a few more minutes. Tears form, and the whole world blurs. I can't do this my mind screams. This is home. These people are my family. And Mal...
Which is why I must leave. I don't want to, but it is best for the crew, best for Mal, and mostly best for me. I can't stand or sit here, and watch him time and again make fun of my life and livelyhood, put me down, and lust after other people. But I'll be damned if he ever finds that out.
Take a breath, I walk toward the common room next.
"Kaylee?" I called, before entering, the tears becoming a torrent which I couldn't pull back, even with all my training. I stood for a moment, letting them come, thinking about Kaylee, and everyone aboard Serenity.
Were I to have had a sister, Kaylee would be the one I'd choose. Tomboyish, in someways, and so full of light and laughter. When I'm with her, I almost forget my own heartache. It isn't just her. Wash, the funniest man I think I've ever known. Sometimes, I almost envy Zoe, to have found someone funny, and so devoted. They make a funny match, in person and on paper, but they seem to love each other so much, that they become the perfect couple right before ones eyes. Which in turn makes me think about Zoe. Strong, stoic, devoted to the Captain, and her husband, but in different ways. She's also devoted to the crew, and has a heart of gold, though I wouldn't bring it up. Sometimes though, I always know she'll know Mal better than I ever could. Then, just for a moment, I get green. It passes though, as they have no more passion together than your well brought up brother and sister. Shutting my eyes again for a moment, Simon and River flash through my mind. Brother and sister. Devotion so true, he "ruined" his life to save what is left of hers. He's smart, and talented. She's cute, in a childlike way. And perhaps a bit frightening, but a wonder none-the-less. Haven't known them as long as the others, except for the Shepard, whose been around just as long. He has secrets, but he believes in himself so fully, and yet can accept his mistakes without a blink, without a thought, and ask as well as give forgiveness. Forever when I meet a man of any god, it shall be Book that I think of.
Lastly, there is Jayne. He's...well...I guess I like Jayne.
"Kaylee, are you in here? I need to talk with you." I step into the room, and look around.
(open to Anyone but Mal that might be within hearing distance. Though Mal certainly can come in a bit later *grin*)